Latest Posts
4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...
5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...
13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...
6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...
6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...
6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...
5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...
6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...
6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts
4 Min Read
What?!? A special name just for me???
Oh, wait...that kind of 'special'...
5 Min Read
By and large, I was minding my own damn business, paying no real mind to my two companions, when I noticed the guy had started talking to the girl. Or at least talking at the girl. Either that, or he was talking to her sandwich. Honestly, it wasn't really clear. He was asking her how her sandwich was, but it was almost...sexual. I could sense the smarm coming off of him, but I wasn't sure if the object of his lust was the girl or the food.
6 Min Read
Face it: your science project sucked, but it can't be that bad, right?
On the bright side, at least that nightmare is finally over...
5 Min Read
Sometimes you get "close, but no banana." But even worse is when you get "close, and all banana"...
9 Min Read
Everybody needs at least one constant truth in their life to keep them sane. For me, that one truth was that I could always count on olives to be intolerably nasty. I knew from an early age that olives and I weren’t going to get along. For example, when I was 9 I had gone […]
< 1 Min Read
It's kinda like a 'Rags to Riches' story.
Except by the end, I barely got to keep my polyester britches...
4 Min Read
"Oh sh*t..." you say, as you do your best Fred-Savage-from-the-Princess-Bride impression. "Is this a pooping story?"
"This is a pooping story, isn't it..."
5 Min Read
This is Part 2 of my Pee-No-Evil adventure. It will probably make much more sense to first read Part 1, Touched By An Angel, if you haven’t already. That’s okay. I’ll just wait here… When I last left you, I had just experienced for the very first time not only an ultrasound, but also the […]
6 Min Read
It's the night before you flight, and something just ain't right.
Look out, ICT, you is about to see all the wrong kinds of white...
6 Min Read
Wanna hear a fantastic–but true–story? On a dreary Seattle day in May 1992, a brave dark knight hoisted himself upon a giant papier-mâché derrière and spoke truth into a flat and listless world: I like big butts and I cannot lieYou other brothers can’t denyThat when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waistAnd […]
Random Posts
6 Min Read
What's a guy to do when immoral influences comes a-knocking at his back door?
Oh, this tricky pickle is just too big to just ignore…
3 Min Read
Some call me The Human Garbage Disposal. Unfortunately, I thought that was a compliment...
5 Min Read
I love dreams. For most of my life I’ve been able to remember at least some portion of my dreams on any given night. I consider myself fortunate in that regard, and I shower unrequested pity on those out there that never can remember their mid-night shenanigans and escapades. Ah, dreams. I find them intriguing […]
3 Min Read
"This too, shall pass."--Motivational poster found in a bathroom.
5 Min Read
Here’s a fun fact: something you may not know about me is that I’m a Caucasian male. Not to minimize the troubles I’ve had in this world–I’ve had my share of true sorrow, heartache, and hardship–but sometimes I have to take a step back and acknowledge how being a white dude has affected my life […]
2 Min Read
Back in January–a much simpler time, indeed–I was hanging out with one of my friends in the neighborhood while our kids played together. He asked me what I wanted to talk about, and I told him anything but politics–I wanted to relax and that was the last thing that would help me do that. Somehow, […]
6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...
3 Min Read
I just discovered a new safe word for you to use when stuck in a conversation:
"When I was five, I found out my grandpa had a twin..."
3 Min Read
"A new truck?!? How f---ing sweet is that?!?"
I could feel it in my little growing bones. This was going to be one special year...
5 Min Read
As I write this, the western half humanity is only moments away from saying goodbye to the decade that was the 2010s and welcoming in 2020 and beyond. I find myself going back and forth between whether or not I’m supposed to be doing something sacred and meaningful to bring closure and completeness to the […]
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