Latest Posts











4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...

5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...

13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...

6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...

6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...

6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...

5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...

6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...

6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts











5 Min Read
One might argue that all the best pranks indubitably involve, well, poo.
But it's not nearly as funny when that sh*t is pulled on you...

2 Min Read
One fine Saturday morning many moons ago, I found myself taking a shower with the bathroom door open. Now, the door opens in towards the shower, so even with it open, it would be difficult for anybody in the hallway to actually see you showering. Anyways, afterwards, as I turned off the water and began […]

4 Min Read
Oh man, Pony Boy just rolled into town.
You best believe that some horse sh*t is about to go down...

4 Min Read
Beware if you find yourself making outrageous claims like "I invented cake pops..."

6 Min Read
No, not that kind of degeneracy. I’m talking about a much more refined and pretension degeneracy. Now, in quantum physics–and just bear with me for a few seconds–there’s this whole thing about being able to say what quantum state a group of particles1Or, more formally: a system. are in based on the result of some […]

4 Min Read
Well, it was either "ignoble death" or "registered sex offender for life."
I quickly came to terms that I was probably going to die right there in the water...

3 Min Read
"No! Only I get to stuff the ballot box!" he hissed at me as he grabbed my wrists and wrestled the stack of raffle entries from my hand...

< 1 Min Read
The Year: 1999, Summer Time. Location: Our Family Farm.
Excitement Level? "Never A Dull Moment"...

6 Min Read
When she said "Farmboy, fetch me the finest seats in the house," you know what he said?
"As you wish..."

6 Min Read
You swear you weren't meaning to get a leg up on the competition
But now you gotta fix the situation without drawing too much attention...
Random Posts










3 Min Read
Usually, it's the Easter Bunny doing the hiding.
But seriously, somebody should have hid the fire water from these two drinking bunnies...

3 Min Read
We all hope to be remembered fondly for our charitable deeds.
But which one actually gets memorialized? Well, that depends...

5 Min Read
It was the greatest prank--hah! I summed it up in less than 2 sentences!
But I bragged about it, and now? Oh the never-ending consequences...

9 Min Read
In the spirit of the season, here's a little something extra for all you faithful fans out there.
As they say, "Take a look inside"...

2 Min Read
As the saying goes "With friends like these, who needs enemas?"
Your friends. Your friends need enemas. Because they're ass-hats...
3 Min Read
BREAKING NEWS: In conversations with my expected #1 Fan (Hello, Mother1), I have learned that she is hesitant to visit my freshly launched site on account of not being able to unsee certain 4-letter words. This hearkens back to a conversation we had a few weeks before the launch date. [Scene: the freezer section of […]

3 Min Read
Secrets lurk in the dark, waiting to ambush you.
And they're coming for your precious little family, too...

4 Min Read
When I was 11 or 12 years old, I remember having a conversation with my dad, Bob J., about something that had happened recently on our farm. I don’t remember exactly what it was–it wasn’t anything of real consequence–but I remember being slightly surprised that this was the first I was hearing of this event. […]

< 1 Min Read
Come, sit down with a tumbler of brandy or a glass of fine wine.
I've got some tales to tell you old friend, if you have the time...

7 Min Read
Here’s a fun fact: not all Valentine’s Day stories are hot steamy messes of eroticism and romantic escapades. Now that I think about it…do any of them ever really turn out that way? Well, reality check aside, you can bet your sweet heart-shaped ass that I’ve got a Valentine’s Day tale for you. Even better, […]
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