Latest Posts
4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...
5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...
13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...
6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...
6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...
6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...
5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...
6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...
6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts
5 Min Read
One might argue that all the best pranks indubitably involve, well, poo.
But it's not nearly as funny when that sh*t is pulled on you...
4 Min Read
Valentine's Day is right around the corner, and it's time to get your funk on, baby! But first, you're gonna have to get that funk the funk off you...
6 Min Read
The problem with not knowing the truth is that your imagination might run wild.
You know, like "Girls Gone Wild" wild ...
< 1 Min Read
The Year 2021: The Year of the Endless Home Renovation.
Pfft! More like "The Year We Almost Ended Up Homeless"...
5 Min Read
The teacher smiled an evil smile as her devious plan came together.
But when that plan done blew up in her face? That was oh so much better...
5 Min Read
In the timeless words of Frank Costanza, "I've got a lot of problems with you people, and you're going to hear all about it!"
So, Harvey, if you're listening, this grievance is for you...
5 Min Read
This is Part 2 of my Pee-No-Evil adventure. It will probably make much more sense to first read Part 1, Touched By An Angel, if you haven’t already. That’s okay. I’ll just wait here… When I last left you, I had just experienced for the very first time not only an ultrasound, but also the […]
6 Min Read
When an unknown pervert starts lurking about, you know it's time to whip it out.
Uh, whip out your cell phone, just to be clear...
4 Min Read
When religious ministry and wordplay collide, ya better butter up, BuckleCup.
Slipe 'n slide and glide, it's gonna be one heaven of a ride...
5 Min Read
Was the question: "Eh, what's up, Doc?"?
Ah, hell naw, the answer should never be "malpractice insurance premiums and patient death rates"...
Random Posts
2 Min Read
Our 2-1/2 year old daughter, “The Younger,” recently just graduated from sleeping in a crib in our master bedroom to sleeping in her own [queen-sized] bed in her own room. An unfortunate side effect of this transition is now she demands I lay down with her until she falls asleep, the whole time complaining and […]
5 Min Read
Say, do you remember those barnyard sounds toys from our childhood? The kind that had a giant plastic arrow that would spin around when you pulled the lever, and then for whatever it would land on, it would kindly inform you what sound that animal made. For example, “The cow says: ‘Mooo’!” Well, I have […]
4 Min Read
Well, this is a crap deal. You get the loot while I get looted...
4 Min Read
March 1997: I was a Sophomore in high school and the Jim Carrey classic Liar Liar was about to hit movie theaters. My best friend, Phillip K. Ballz,1Almost but not quite his real name. Also, it’s a Phillip K. ----- pun. For the various reasons “Ballz” was choice #2, yet will be used in place […]
10 Min Read
Around 6:45 we roll up to Jack's place out in the country, and are greeted by a small gaggle of older men with grizzled beards and clad in cover-alls. I suspect that the dualing banjoes from Deliverance was playing in the Boss Lady's head in that moment, as she clearly had a so-called WTF?!? look on her face as she tried to figure out exactly what type of surprise was in store for her.
3 Min Read
By default, WordPress pre-populates a new blog with a singular post entitled “Hello world!” It is meant to be deleted or appropriately edited, but I felt so inspired by these words that I decided to instead subvert this post for my own purposes. Joke’s on them, I suppose. My experience with “Hello world!” is in […]
2 Min Read
Aah, Pogs. Surely y’all remember those, right? You know, “the tiddly-winks of the ’90s”? Pogs(TM)–also known by their generic name of “milk caps”1https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milk_caps_(game)–were at the peak of their popularity in the fall of 1994, precisely coinciding with my move from the desolate plains of the Midwest2Turns out, I don’t think Kansas and Missouri actually qualify […]
10 Min Read
You can't help but wonder 'who do they mean?', as you stare at the creepy-ass words appearing on your screen:
"It's time for us to be seen..."
< 1 Min Read
When I got COVID, it took me about 5 days to get over it.
Getting over what happened during those 5 days? Oh, about 4 months and counting...
7 Min Read
Hey all you bureaucratic fat-cats down at the DMV! Yeah, that's right, I got a bone to pick with you...
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