Latest Posts











4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...

5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...

13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...

6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...

6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...

6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...

5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...

6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...

6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts










3 Min Read
"Uh...did you say 'semen'?"
10 Min Read
Editor’s note: For the sake of keeping the running time of my weekly Sunday missives as close to 5 minutes as possible, this multi-thought musing has been split up into two parts. While each part has some entertainment and/or philosophical value by itself, they truly need to be read as a whole. For your convenience, […]

4 Min Read
Well, it was either "ignoble death" or "registered sex offender for life."
I quickly came to terms that I was probably going to die right there in the water...

4 Min Read
"...what does one do when the Confederate-flag-on-a-hockey-stick games begin?"

3 Min Read
Take a look inside the Book of Forbidden Fruit, if you dare.
But, young lad, can you handle what you may find in there?

6 Min Read
No, not that kind of degeneracy. I’m talking about a much more refined and pretension degeneracy. Now, in quantum physics–and just bear with me for a few seconds–there’s this whole thing about being able to say what quantum state a group of particles1Or, more formally: a system. are in based on the result of some […]

4 Min Read
Are you sick and tired of prom themes that over-promise and under-deliver?
Well, have I got just the theme for you...

6 Min Read
When an unknown pervert starts lurking about, you know it's time to whip it out.
Uh, whip out your cell phone, just to be clear...

4 Min Read
The White Jesus Savior Complex is a lot like the Rapture. You never really see it coming...

6 Min Read
Sometimes, the drunken truth can be the most sobering thing of all...
Random Posts











7 Min Read
Maybe, just maybe, you and your buddy have watched a little too much TMNT.
And you know play time is definitely over when up rolls the MP...

4 Min Read
Some rooms just have a bad vibe in them, and it's just a fact.
You need to accept there's nothing we can do about it, and that's that...

5 Min Read
What do you do when someone wants to pay you to eat poo?
Oh, what to do, what to do, what to doo-doo...

5 Min Read
As I write this, the western half humanity is only moments away from saying goodbye to the decade that was the 2010s and welcoming in 2020 and beyond. I find myself going back and forth between whether or not I’m supposed to be doing something sacred and meaningful to bring closure and completeness to the […]

5 Min Read
My vocabulary didn't expand just because I graduated college.
It was because of the WAY I graduated college...

5 Min Read
I'm actually surprised that my kids didn't turn out to be freaking mutants...

4 Min Read
Are you sick and tired of prom themes that over-promise and under-deliver?
Well, have I got just the theme for you...

7 Min Read
It's such a liberating feeling when you realize you're too cool for school.
Just don't let it all go to your fat head, you tool...

3 Min Read
Don't be satisfied with those bougie pranks.
If you want to funk with someone's mind, you gotta play the long game...

6 Min Read
So, I got on a bus headed in the wrong direction.
I just never thought it would be a metaphor for my life...
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