Latest Posts











4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...

5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...

13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...

6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...

6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...

6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...

5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...

6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...

6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts









4 Min Read
Fuck Bob Ross. Don’t get me wrong, he was a great guy–may he rest in peace. But seriously, ----- him and his happy little trees, too. You may be wondering what the hell is wrong with me, as it is a widely accepted fact that everyone loves The Ross-ster. Don’t worry, I’ll address that in […]

5 Min Read
Who can make a boy's wildest dream come true? The Candy Man can!
And who can trash that dream? The Anti-Candy Ma'am can! Or so she thinks...

< 1 Min Read
It's kinda like a 'Rags to Riches' story.
Except by the end, I barely got to keep my polyester britches...

7 Min Read
Yeah, sure, David Attenborough nature documentaries can be fascinating and informative. But as a source of relationship advice? Not so much...
5 Min Read
By and large, I was minding my own damn business, paying no real mind to my two companions, when I noticed the guy had started talking to the girl. Or at least talking at the girl. Either that, or he was talking to her sandwich. Honestly, it wasn't really clear. He was asking her how her sandwich was, but it was almost...sexual. I could sense the smarm coming off of him, but I wasn't sure if the object of his lust was the girl or the food.

6 Min Read
No, not that kind of degeneracy. I’m talking about a much more refined and pretension degeneracy. Now, in quantum physics–and just bear with me for a few seconds–there’s this whole thing about being able to say what quantum state a group of particles1Or, more formally: a system. are in based on the result of some […]
4 Min Read
...it quickly turned into one of those scenes from America's Most Wanted or Unsolved Mysteries where they recreate the moment that a careless parent becomes increasingly frantic trying to find the kid they lost in the park.

9 Min Read
Everybody needs at least one constant truth in their life to keep them sane. For me, that one truth was that I could always count on olives to be intolerably nasty. I knew from an early age that olives and I weren’t going to get along. For example, when I was 9 I had gone […]

6 Min Read
Note: this is the 1st installment of the Kandy Karma saga. If you have already read this, please feel free to skip to Parts 2 & 3. Free candy? Socially-sanctioned dress-up playtime? No age restrictions? On it’s face, Halloween seems like a deal too good to be true. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned […]

7 Min Read
Here’s a fun fact: not all Valentine’s Day stories are hot steamy messes of eroticism and romantic escapades. Now that I think about it…do any of them ever really turn out that way? Well, reality check aside, you can bet your sweet heart-shaped ass that I’ve got a Valentine’s Day tale for you. Even better, […]
Random Posts











6 Min Read
I'm not really a "Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am" kind of guy.
Me? I'm more of a "No Whammy! No Bammy! No thank you, Nurse Cami!" fella...

7 Min Read
You know what I really, REALLY hate?
The inevitable no-good, horrible experience of The First Date...

9 Min Read
Everybody needs at least one constant truth in their life to keep them sane. For me, that one truth was that I could always count on olives to be intolerably nasty. I knew from an early age that olives and I weren’t going to get along. For example, when I was 9 I had gone […]

3 Min Read
"...or else the Source Of Life would be overrun by bare beavers!"

5 Min Read
There's regular actors, and there's voice-actors. And then, regrettably, there are tongue-actors...

3 Min Read
In a recent post, That Is Not What She Said, I explained what an MRI coil was, as I deal with them regularly in my other line of work. In addition to that vignette, I had another coil-related story that I wanted to share… Tale 2: Or Is It ‘Dear Future Doctor President’? A nice […]

4 Min Read
Ten...nine...eight...seven...
You got about six more seconds before you're gonna see ol' Hamhocks go up into porcine heaven...

7 Min Read
Call me Ishmael. That’s not my name, but since I’m not exactly in the habit of going by my legal name1See Physics Is My Middle Name, The Unbearable Lightness Of Being A BJ, A Degenerate Family Christmas. I figured “Why the hell not?” I also asked myself, “why the hell not mix up my literary […]

4 Min Read
To all you dads-of-daughters out there, it's never to soon to learn this key phrase: "Sorry, but you're like the Son-in-Law I never wanted..."

2 Min Read
It's the end of the year, and of course we gots to take a look back.
You better buckle up , Bud, 'cuz you are in for a ton of fun, Jack...
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