Latest Posts











4 Min Read
He's so wet, so weak, so powerless--he's a bachelor in distress.
And if his damsel won't save him, he'll just die in this shower, I guess...

5 Min Read
'Tis a tragedy! 'Tis a mystery! My cheese has gone missing in the middle of the night!
Show yourself, fiend--dare you step into the light...

13 Min Read
Six years and 340 posts in, and still no book deals-ies?
Sweet White Jesus, this is getting old pretty quick for reals-ies...

6 Min Read
This is the story of two brothers, one a hero, one forgotten to time.
A tale telling that it really matters how you get to that finish line...
6 Min Read
Ya know how they say 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'?
Um, let's just say ya funk with Dunkin, won't be no drinking yo' coffee in peace...

6 Min Read
Excuse me, ma'am--EXCUSE ME--Yoo-hoo! My eyes are up here.
Say, it's not polite to let yo' gaze linger so long anywhere near, uh, um, er...

6 Min Read
I swear, you can't leave your kid home alone for 20 minutes before things go to sh*t. So tell me, Pro Parent, how you plan to deal with it...

5 Min Read
I ain't green like Kermit, and I ain't orange like Ernie nor yellow like his rubber ducky.
Why, ain't no reason why I'm so darn lucky...

6 Min Read
You can't always trust yo' multi-cultural money-making schemes to go as planned.
Fear not tho! Your wife's street cred can lend you a hand...

6 Min Read
So you think you've gotten away with pulling off the ultimate dad joke?
But it turns out that is too soon that you have spoke...
Featured Posts









4 Min Read
...it quickly turned into one of those scenes from America's Most Wanted or Unsolved Mysteries where they recreate the moment that a careless parent becomes increasingly frantic trying to find the kid they lost in the park.

4 Min Read
The White Jesus Savior Complex is a lot like the Rapture. You never really see it coming...

5 Min Read
Say, do you remember those barnyard sounds toys from our childhood? The kind that had a giant plastic arrow that would spin around when you pulled the lever, and then for whatever it would land on, it would kindly inform you what sound that animal made. For example, “The cow says: ‘Mooo’!” Well, I have […]

6 Min Read
When an unknown pervert starts lurking about, you know it's time to whip it out.
Uh, whip out your cell phone, just to be clear...

6 Min Read
Just cuz somebody is a real smarty-pants doesn't mean they don't make dumb decisions on occasion.
And, no, I'm not returning my medal, man...

5 Min Read
In the timeless words of Frank Costanza, "I've got a lot of problems with you people, and you're going to hear all about it!"
So, Harvey, if you're listening, this grievance is for you...

6 Min Read
What's that? You're worried that maybe this ahistoric moment in sports may have scarred me for life?
Just wait until see the other guy...

4 Min Read
Young man, pay no heed to the siren's call of 90s technology!
It's not worth the cost for some sweet eye candy (and I mean that literally...)

4 Min Read
Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming about your clean-cut mom or dad suddenly cussing like a sailor?
Then today's your lucky day, sir...

9 Min Read
They have origin stories! They have alter-egos! But if I got an origin story for my alter-ego?
That just might make me a super super-hero...
Random Posts









5 Min Read
Now, if you'll turn in the Good Book to Proverbs 20:17:
"Stolen bread tastes sweet, but it turns to gravel in the mouth..."
5 Min Read
Going public with this blog makes me nervous. Or at best, very anxious. I would describe it as being at the top of the first drop on a roller coaster, and your car is toward the back. The first car is already succumbing to gravity, and though you’re not falling yet, you’re already feeling the […]

4 Min Read
"Man, your brother's friend is racist. Like really racist."
Oh, Douglas, what have you done now?

6 Min Read
You're dad is cut and bleeding, son, what do you do? Hop in the farm truck and throw it in Gear 2...

4 Min Read
Are you sick and tired of prom themes that over-promise and under-deliver?
Well, have I got just the theme for you...

4 Min Read
Ok, so my middle name really isn’t “Physics.” It was all just marketing. You see, when I was an undergraduate at Kansas State, there was a solid 3 semesters in which I was a Secondary Education major. Yes, I had actually convinced myself that I was destined to be a high school physics teacher. It […]

2 Min Read
As the saying goes "With friends like these, who needs enemas?"
Your friends. Your friends need enemas. Because they're ass-hats...

5 Min Read
I knew I was doing something right when a University big-wig asked to meet one-on-one.
Problem was, I had no idea what good deed I had done...

4 Min Read
Disclaimer: no gold was harmed in the making of this film.
But, fellas, you're probably not going to like it when you hear what was harmed...

4 Min Read
I’m not quite Over The Hill yet, but you know how I can tell it’s clearly coming up over the horizon? Wait–that’s a poor invocation of that metaphor. To be more accurate: you now how I can tell I’m pretty much firmly atop the Hill, mere months away from tumbling down the other side? Two […]
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